dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
