I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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