Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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