there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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