Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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