i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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