Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've blown a few things in my day
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
