You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
