Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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