After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
