If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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