Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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