I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
