I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
