life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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