16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
