after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
