So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
