i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
