I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
