Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
