watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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