I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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