Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
