You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
