...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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