I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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