i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
