if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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