I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
