don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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