theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
