last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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