you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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