I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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