What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i think im in europe. pls send help
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
