it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
