When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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