ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
