dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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