No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
