yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
two words: eviction party
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
