Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
