You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
