Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
