Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
