The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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