I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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