are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
