He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
