True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
