WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
