My liver just broke up with me...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
