Do you still have your period?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
