ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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