Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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