i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
